Being Stupid vs. Giving Chance

Well title? It's a topic that is close to my heart that’s for sure. If ya’ll read my 3 previous blog posted on March, April, one on early May and another on early August, obviously ya’ll would know what I would be talking about. Before I go any further, here’s a question for ya’ll to think about, “When a friend do you wrong more than once over the same thing, would you give them another chance?” So yeah, think about it.

There has been time when second chance is all you need and sometimes the term “after the second chance if they repeat the same thing, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice” applies. As ya’ll would have read on Karma, these two friends I held so dear to my heart came back. In June, right after getting an apology text from Ronn I kind of broke down. Like literally. I cried again after a month of trying to build up the protective wall I had put down when I was friends with them then. So obviously, the first person I could think of was Sookie. And she, like the friend I know she is, had already anticipated that I would look for her. So upon receiving my text, she simply says, “Yes dear, I know. He’s been doing this to almost everyone. He’s trying to make amends to everyone. He even sent one to “her” for goodness sake. Major ugh! Anyways, why don’t you give each other a chance?”

It took me a while to actually really honestly to give him a chance actually BOTH of them a chance. I had to ask just about everyone who actually knew what had happened then to give me perspective on what should I be doing now. I spoke to my big brothers, Nikita, Megat, and even my Mum. Obviously all answers differ. But, my favourite answer was from big brother Hustle. These were his exact words, “It is up to you to either give them a chance or you can always tell them to f*ck off. Either way, just make sure that what you decide to do, you will not have any regrets in doing them.” At this remarks, got me thinking real hard. I did wish that one of the wasted days that they would want me be their friends again. I know I sound really desperate and fact that neither of them are not even my boyfriend is just plain sad, but I do have to agree on Brendon on this. I just love my friends too much. They meant too much. They matter too much. Either back then or even now, I may not mean more than a speck of dust to either of them, but they do mean a lot to me. It’s weird really. I mean, I’ve been friends with other people a lot longer then I know these two. But compare to most of my old friends, somehow, I care about them a lot more. That’s why I did wish them back. Thus, I did decide to give both of them a chance.

Over time, I honestly have to say I was a little bit bias towards Wilson. Okay! Scratch that. I was a more than just a little bit bias. I don’t know why but there are times when I did actually agree on Wilson's logic when he explained why he had to take the measure of leaving. Don't get me wrong, I still do agree to it. But after few occurrences that happened these past few months, I only agreed to a few part of the whole thing. And I still stand by my motion that they have to just give it a chance for a ONE LAST TALK. A civilize conversation without anyone screaming on top of their head, giving sarcastic remarks, mean remarks, begging, or even crying. One final conversation, where it consists of two very civilized, matured, hetronormative gentlemen with a composed manner and emotion, sorting everything out for once and for all.

There are times when I do feel like when I give people who wronged me more than once, chances, a do over, I felt like I’m being nothing but plain stupid. I keep convincing myself that ‘this person has changed, this person will no longer disappoint me, and this person will never again break my heart.’ But over and over again, life has proven me WRONG. Out of 10 that I have given a chance for a do over, only 2 that would prevail. Only 2 that will never again repeat the things they did to me.

There are times when I was treated as disposable goods. People, let me get this out straight and loud. I may be detachable, but, doesn’t mean that I am disposable. I tend to NOT want to be attached to anyone because at the end of the day, we’ll go our separate ways anyway. There is no such thing as forever. There is only “... until the day I die.” But somehow, after I have out grown my purpose, I was as worthless as a broken hair pin. Disposable and replaceable for a better once. And when I am once again needed, all these kind of people have to do is just summon me and I’ll be to the rescue. Although they would only think of me no more important than a speck of dust on their shoes, over and over again I will respond to this summons. Just because they are my friends. Doing this, drives Nikita, Sookie, and Megat crazy. They believe that I shouldn’t waste my time, effort, energy, positive energy and emotions over things and people that would only make me return to the dark corner again. I do agree. BUT, I couldn’t help it. When I make someone as my friends, I plan to keep them that way. I don't plan to transform them into my enemies or worse strangers with memories in my life.

Life’s too short to be transforming friends into anything negative. Birth is our beginning, death is our destination. The journey to the destination is what we call life. It’s the journey that makes our destination less frightening. Because when we finally reached our destination, we are already wholesome and content that we spent our journey without any regrets. That’s how I want to live my life.

Call me stupid, call me ignorant but, I think I’ll never stop being me. I’ll never stop loving and giving a chance to my friends who did me wrong. I’ll always be there when they need me. Even if it means them disposing me later, I would be content that I had some part in their life, even if it was just a brief moment. It doesn’t even matter if they wouldn’t remember that I did have a part, all that matter is I knew that I did have some part. And one way or the other, I wouldn’t even claim credit on it. But if it’s bad, I would probably blame me for contributing in turning them bad. I don't know when will I be disposed next, but I guess, it’ll hurt less this time. I’ll try hard NOT to ruin it and at the same time, I’ll try hard NOT to be too attached. So when or if I am to be cast out again, I won’t go all emo and go complain to most probably Nikita and Megat. 

Something To Get Used To...

Losing Love Is Never Easy

I don't really know why but I guess I just need to have somewhere I can write and not care about how people may think about me.. after a very long while, I just need to write on the page today. I was watching a Barbie Movie - Mermaid Tale 2. The movie was partially about having your worse nightmare realized and how you can conquer it. Truth be told, it got me thinking of my own greatest fear. Which is of course, me disappointing everyone in my family. The inability to reach the bar they had set for me. Also, NO I haven't have any idea how to conquer my greatest fear. 

Honestly I don't know what am i actually writing about. I guess i just need to get some stuff out of my head. So these are the few stuff I have in my head right this moment:

A Story

It was a very nice day when a very loving couple was on a date. The whole day had been very perfect. Entering slightly 3 years into their relationship, there had been NO day that goes by without them talking to each other. They would either meet, call or the least text each other when they are apart. On that very perfect date, perfect day, the guy put up a challenge.

Guy: Lets not talk to each other for a week and see how it goes.

Girl: What?! What is that suppose to mean? Are you breaking up with me? 

Guy: Nothing. OMG No! Of course not. I love you. I just want to see what does it feel to not talk to each other for a little while.

Girl: No! I won't do it! I can't even get through a day without talking to you let alone for a week?

Guy: Of course you can. Come on babe, lets just give it a try. This will only be once in a life time challenge for the both of us. To put ourselves and the strength of our relationship to the test.

Girl: Fine. 7 days! No more no less. It starts from tomorrow morning. And I'll see you at your house when the challenge date line end. I'll be there precisely on time!

Guy: Awesome! I'll see you then. 

Girl: Hmm...

Guy: Don't worry babe, it'll be ok. We'll be ok.

Girl: If you say so. I Love You babe.

Guy: I Love You too...

That night after the guy drop off his girlfriend, they spent the night talking on the phone as if there's no tomorrow. The girl was very reluctant to hang-up so instead the guy sang her to sleep only then the guy hung-up. On the first and second day, the girl's hand itches to call and to text the guy. At work, she had to store her phone in her drawer just to prevent from wanting to text her boyfriend. She felt like a smoker being deprived from even half of a cigarette. She can't breathe properly, uneasiness and the food she ate seems tasteless. 

On the 3rd and 4th day, she was almost getting used to not getting any text from him. But that doesn't make her miss him any less. Every incoming text and calls made her jumpy. To let off some steam, she post her pain and misery on Facebook in the hopes that her boyfriend would see it and call her up. She'd keep wishing he'd call the challenge off and call her and tell her he miss her. But with each and every text and call received, her disappointment grew. 

On the 5th and 6th day, she still await him to call or at least text. But every incoming text and every call did not make her jumpy anymore. 24 hours prior to the challenge ending, the girl got exited as she'd finally meet her boyfriend and this time there will be nothing more that can take them apart. Being apart only strengthen her love for him also with a more mature resolution in mind. In order to make their relationship work she'd ought to give both of them space in between the intense closeness they had. 2 hours prior to the deal she got herself ready, wearing the white dress she wore on their first date 3 years ago and drove off to his house. 

Reaching his house with 5 minutes to spare, there were a lot of car parked along side his house's drive way. As she approach the house, she got even more anxious when she sees people wearing black attire walking into his house. She stopped in front of his front gate and bolted into his house. 

Seeing an ocean of black attired people with somber face she made her way pass them. There, she saw his mother's face drench with tears, red nose and wailing her heart out but she was diverted by a more scary sight. 

A brown casket that her logical mind kept telling her that it is a coffin she is looking at and there is someone in there and it could be-- NO! She told herself. It cannot be! He promised! He say everything will be ok! She brace herself, took a deep breath, put a brave face and made her way to the casket. At the sight of the occupant in it, she was just lucky that his father was behind her just on time to catch her from falling off balance. He brought her to the nearest chair and hand her a blue velvet note book which she directly recognized. It was his birthday present she gave him just few months ago. As she opened the book, it smells of his aftershave. She inhale as much of the smell as possible also an attempt to stop herself from crying. In the notebook turned journal, was her handmade book mark that she made for him on Valentine's Day. She flipped to the marked page and read the entry.

Day 1

I manage to convince my Baby Girl to not contact me for the whole week. I am doing the right thing. Going to be admitted into the hospital tomorrow.

Day 2

Besides the fact that hospital creep the hell out of me, she also hadn't try to contact me what so ever. I wish she did tho. But I guess she loves me more that she'd abide to my wish. This is good. I am doing the right thing. It is for the greater good. More check up tomorrow. 

Day 3

I miss her so much. There has been so many times I picked up my cell to call her. There has been so many times I wanted to text her and say I miss her and tell her the truth. But this is almost half way. She'll get used to it. Apart from that, this needles poking into my skin is starting to get into my nerve. 

Day 4

Her misery pains me. Her post in FB makes me want to talk to her on chat. But I have to be strong for the both of us to make this work. Consultation tomorrow and some consent document to sign off. 

Day 5

OMG! Signing those documents feels like I'm signing my life away. But if I were to be worthy of her, I must take the chances! I have made up my mind! If everything goes well, I'll see to it that I'd ask her to marry me. Yes! That is exactly what I'll do! Operation tomorrow. Mixed feeling. 

There hasn't any entry on day 6 and 7. On the next page, she found a neatly folded letter in the form of a heart. She opened it carefully and started reading it.

Baby girl,

I am sorry to have to hide this information from you. For this one whole week I had been in the hospital. As I'll be undergoing some operation to finally get a replacement for my heart. But I have a bad feeling. As if after this, I won't be able to see you, talk to you, hold you, kiss you, hug you, and most importantly, be with you. Say that death had came for me a little bit faster then expected, I would like you to know that here hasn't been a day that went by that I wasn't thinking about you. This communication break was for you to get used to me not being there. It's passed 12 a.m. when I started writing this letter to you. I believe by now that if you could stand not talking to me for 6 days and also for the next 36 hours time, you will be able to stand not having me around for another week, then the week after that and so on. Believe me babe, it was a torture not talking to you. But this is what I had to do. I love you. I really really really do. If we couldn't be together in this life time. I do believe that our soul will be able to find each other in the next life. So long love.

I love you,

Your ever more so loving Boyfriend.

As she folded the letter and put it back in the journal, his father  passed her a blue and gold velvet small box. As she opened it, there placed a Blue Sapphire ring. She couldn't help but having her tears fall streaming down like the evening rain. His father had his arms wrap around her as she sobbed her heart out. "He gave me this just before he went in the operation hall. He says to keep it for him until he can give it to you when he got better. But i guess that would be impossible, now that he's gone. Since it is for you, I thought that to you it shall be with. Be strong. He loved you and thought of you till the very end."

-The End-

So yeah.. this is one of the many things in my head. This story hasn't been an original. I read this somewhere in one of the many quotes in pictures pages on Facebook, but I did make this story mine. And since I finished this at 3.10 AM already, all the other thought in my head had to be put on hold. 

Why am I writing this story? Simply, leading the life that I have now, I am try really, really hard to live with out the presence of a person whom I do held dear to my heart. One is I believe a lost cause, someone whom I am convincing myself to believe that after all the bitterness that happened between us, we are no longer reconcilable. I of course want to mend this. I miss this person very much. But I think we are better off each other. And the other one, well this person hasn't left YET. But sometime I feel that this person is as good as gone. After losing so much, this person had turned into someone I can no longer identify. I hope things gets better and that we don't drift apart after we go our separate ways. So here's a quote to think about,

"If you could stand not talking to me for a week, surely you could stand not talking to me for the next whole week and the coming week as well."

Honestly, not talking to the people I hold dear to my heart makes me feel like a cigarette deprived smoker but I guess it's a practice. I'll just have to get used to it. Not constantly talking to them does not meant them losing that special place in my heart. They'll always be there and I'll always miss them and wish only the best for them.

Best wishes,

Farcella. M