Being Stupid vs. Giving Chance

Well title? It's a topic that is close to my heart that’s for sure. If ya’ll read my 3 previous blog posted on March, April, one on early May and another on early August, obviously ya’ll would know what I would be talking about. Before I go any further, here’s a question for ya’ll to think about, “When a friend do you wrong more than once over the same thing, would you give them another chance?” So yeah, think about it.

There has been time when second chance is all you need and sometimes the term “after the second chance if they repeat the same thing, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice” applies. As ya’ll would have read on Karma, these two friends I held so dear to my heart came back. In June, right after getting an apology text from Ronn I kind of broke down. Like literally. I cried again after a month of trying to build up the protective wall I had put down when I was friends with them then. So obviously, the first person I could think of was Sookie. And she, like the friend I know she is, had already anticipated that I would look for her. So upon receiving my text, she simply says, “Yes dear, I know. He’s been doing this to almost everyone. He’s trying to make amends to everyone. He even sent one to “her” for goodness sake. Major ugh! Anyways, why don’t you give each other a chance?”

It took me a while to actually really honestly to give him a chance actually BOTH of them a chance. I had to ask just about everyone who actually knew what had happened then to give me perspective on what should I be doing now. I spoke to my big brothers, Nikita, Megat, and even my Mum. Obviously all answers differ. But, my favourite answer was from big brother Hustle. These were his exact words, “It is up to you to either give them a chance or you can always tell them to f*ck off. Either way, just make sure that what you decide to do, you will not have any regrets in doing them.” At this remarks, got me thinking real hard. I did wish that one of the wasted days that they would want me be their friends again. I know I sound really desperate and fact that neither of them are not even my boyfriend is just plain sad, but I do have to agree on Brendon on this. I just love my friends too much. They meant too much. They matter too much. Either back then or even now, I may not mean more than a speck of dust to either of them, but they do mean a lot to me. It’s weird really. I mean, I’ve been friends with other people a lot longer then I know these two. But compare to most of my old friends, somehow, I care about them a lot more. That’s why I did wish them back. Thus, I did decide to give both of them a chance.

Over time, I honestly have to say I was a little bit bias towards Wilson. Okay! Scratch that. I was a more than just a little bit bias. I don’t know why but there are times when I did actually agree on Wilson's logic when he explained why he had to take the measure of leaving. Don't get me wrong, I still do agree to it. But after few occurrences that happened these past few months, I only agreed to a few part of the whole thing. And I still stand by my motion that they have to just give it a chance for a ONE LAST TALK. A civilize conversation without anyone screaming on top of their head, giving sarcastic remarks, mean remarks, begging, or even crying. One final conversation, where it consists of two very civilized, matured, hetronormative gentlemen with a composed manner and emotion, sorting everything out for once and for all.

There are times when I do feel like when I give people who wronged me more than once, chances, a do over, I felt like I’m being nothing but plain stupid. I keep convincing myself that ‘this person has changed, this person will no longer disappoint me, and this person will never again break my heart.’ But over and over again, life has proven me WRONG. Out of 10 that I have given a chance for a do over, only 2 that would prevail. Only 2 that will never again repeat the things they did to me.

There are times when I was treated as disposable goods. People, let me get this out straight and loud. I may be detachable, but, doesn’t mean that I am disposable. I tend to NOT want to be attached to anyone because at the end of the day, we’ll go our separate ways anyway. There is no such thing as forever. There is only “... until the day I die.” But somehow, after I have out grown my purpose, I was as worthless as a broken hair pin. Disposable and replaceable for a better once. And when I am once again needed, all these kind of people have to do is just summon me and I’ll be to the rescue. Although they would only think of me no more important than a speck of dust on their shoes, over and over again I will respond to this summons. Just because they are my friends. Doing this, drives Nikita, Sookie, and Megat crazy. They believe that I shouldn’t waste my time, effort, energy, positive energy and emotions over things and people that would only make me return to the dark corner again. I do agree. BUT, I couldn’t help it. When I make someone as my friends, I plan to keep them that way. I don't plan to transform them into my enemies or worse strangers with memories in my life.

Life’s too short to be transforming friends into anything negative. Birth is our beginning, death is our destination. The journey to the destination is what we call life. It’s the journey that makes our destination less frightening. Because when we finally reached our destination, we are already wholesome and content that we spent our journey without any regrets. That’s how I want to live my life.

Call me stupid, call me ignorant but, I think I’ll never stop being me. I’ll never stop loving and giving a chance to my friends who did me wrong. I’ll always be there when they need me. Even if it means them disposing me later, I would be content that I had some part in their life, even if it was just a brief moment. It doesn’t even matter if they wouldn’t remember that I did have a part, all that matter is I knew that I did have some part. And one way or the other, I wouldn’t even claim credit on it. But if it’s bad, I would probably blame me for contributing in turning them bad. I don't know when will I be disposed next, but I guess, it’ll hurt less this time. I’ll try hard NOT to ruin it and at the same time, I’ll try hard NOT to be too attached. So when or if I am to be cast out again, I won’t go all emo and go complain to most probably Nikita and Megat.