Diva's Daily: The One That Got Away

When I was just a kid I remembered having a HUGE crush on Prince William.. Well who am I kidding? I don't REMEMBER having a crush on Prince William.. But according to my mum who constantly reminding me that particular fact, I did and apparently the infatuation didn't stop until I was about 7. Which was the age I decide that I will never get married, wrote it in my aunt's government endorsed diary and signing it with my names in capital letters.. hahaha.. 

Then growing up, I didn't exactly forgot about that but didn't seem to recall about it either. And as far as I recalled, I had no boy trouble during that course of time as well. Not until I was 12. You see I was an early bloomer.. (Early Bloomer means they get their period around the age of 9-12 y.o.) Regardless of which, my interest on boys around the age of 10-11 years old was as good as homo's interest on the opposite sex. I was more interested in how I could improve my grades.. I remembered helping my guy best friend, his name is Mike, when I was 11 in replying a love letter to a girl that had a huge crush on him. I laugh so hard when replying those letters. All of it seems soo ridiculous. I meant come on you're 11.. Shouldn't you be worrying how bad you grades are doing? Especially when you were placed in the lower 3 class? (My school had an Intelligence Hierarchy System). 

Then comes to 6th grade, I was 12 then. Honestly there was a vague memories with in the first few months of that term. I can't recall anything much back when I was 12 really. All I remembered was around March 2005, I had a crush on one of my uncle's associates' son, Jer. I wanted to ask him out/make us official couples on my B'day but I was too much of a chicken that I asked my 2 best friends to do it for me. The respond must have been SOO disappointing that I couldn't remember what his feed back was when my friends were telling me about it and I guess things just gotten dried up since then. That is also how I developed my fear of rejection. That's why since then, I have never asked any guy that interest me out ever again. So I am counting on them to read the subtle signs and signals I've been giving out that suggest that I AM INTERESTED! Then few months later guess what? I fell for my guy best friend. The one I told you about? Mike? Yeah. Being the chicken I know I am, I kept it to myself and let the feeling pass. I actually did cry when I found out that he went official with the girl we tease back in 5th grade. It was hard but I wanted to move on. 

[Note: But this doesn't really cover what I actually want to write about. In this entry, I am gonna attribute this entry to my "The One That Got Away" guys. While chasing for jerks, dick head, and pure assholes, I ended up breaking some of very good guys' heart.]

Tho, I didn't moved on fast enough to agree to go out with I think the one and only guy who actually do care about me. And I broke his heart on Valentine's day too.. :( After 6th grade ended, the only people I expected to ever stayed in contact was with my two best friend, Crystalyn and Helsie. But it turned out that there was one more person I didn't count in. Kel. As I recall, he first called me sometime around end of September to early October. At first it started as a casual call, we didn't text back then. It was more convenient to talk over the phone directly then to have to wait for a text reply. Then from a casual call of 5-10 minutes talk, the call duration extended for a good 20-45 minutes conversation. And I was more then happy to have had someone to talk to until one day he didn't call me. Not that I waited because that time my family members were all gathered not only for Christmas, but also for my aunt's wedding preparations. Few days later, he called and he explained why didn't he called me for the past few days. It seems that his phone bill sky rocketed, pisses his dad off and as a punishment his phone privilege was revoked until his dad realize it was a pain in the ass to not have him have his phone so then he gave it back but few very stern conditions. One of them being, he cannot call me more then 15 minutes daily but unlimited texting quota. I was ok with it. I told him I understand perfectly and told him to not worry about it. So slowly from calling, we shifted to texting. And boy how we texted. ENDLESS. So we talk and we talk, until he asked me to be his Valentine on Valentine's day. As I mentioned, I moved on a little to slow from Mike to actually be ready for Kel. Which in such a messed up situation, Mike and Kel were best buddy. I didn't want to be unfair to Kel. Thus I told him the truth about how I felt about Mike. Then we just drifted apart. It lasted for a good 6 months. Honestly, I still feel bad tho.. I meant come to think of it, if I did gave him a chance, I do believe that we would have lasted up to this day. Because it's like what everybody would say. It's better to accept the love of a person who love you tho the feeling isn't mutual then to give your love to some one who clearly too blind to see your affection towards them. You can always learn to love them. But I guess I did justify what I did as I am only being fair to him and to me. I was still head over heel on Mike then tho he was taken. And it's only fair that I didn't gave Kel false hope there and then. So Kel, if you are reading this, I am sorry I didn't give us a chance. I know that now. I just hope we could be friends again and I wish you all the happiness that you deserve with whom ever you are with now. 

Then comes Eric. My-Wilted-Before-It-Bloomed-Lover. He stole my phone number from my biodata book, a biodata book is a book that keeps everyone's dorky detail about themselves like their name, nick-name, favourite colour, etc., which was at that time was in the possession of a classmate. I was 13 and he was 18. We began texting and the next thing I knew was we started calling each other the mushy-mushy couple's nick name. I called him dear, he called me honey. I called him that because it seem fitted.. It lasted a good 3 months. Ya'll know why it ended? It is so messed up I'm pretty sure you'd throw a dart at my printed picture. HAHAHA... I ended it. Because I fell for him. One fine day in Geography Class, I was casually taking down notes from the board when I started seeing his names written across the board. I blinked and it was the notes again. But minutes later I was writing his name on my note book while looking at the board assumingly copying down notes. I knew there and then that it had to end. So I end it. And I tell you the truth when I say it was not a clean break-up. We didn't fight, we didn't had a major display to our friends. We just didn't have an explanation, and a closure. Well at least I didn't offer any explanation. But then again he didn't asked for any either. So I didn't bother. Plus, come on... I was 13! What do you expect? Of course I freaked out! I didn't know what I was experiencing was actually the act of falling in love. All I know was my focus in my studies was straying and I almost failed my history exams. Falling for people is BAD for me. They cloud my judgement. What may be the reason I fell for him? Well once upon a time, I am a major prepaid hoarder. I used to save up to 170 bucks. So basically I was prepaid wise loaded. That fateful day, I was dead bored. So I texted him. But he said he can't text much cause he is running low on prepaid. So without consulting him, I transferred like 10 bucks to him. At an instant, he called me and ask me to explain myself. So I was like, "Geez dude, I only wanted to talk... Since you are low on prepaid I transferred you some so we can talk. What's your problem man? A profuse thank you would do.. Why so worked up about it?" Then he was like, "Look. I took your phone number because I wanted to know you as you. I wanted to be your friend because of you. Not because of your money." So besides Kel, Eric is one of those people whom got away. So, to my dear, dear Eric, you have been a good friend. I loved you. Every 21st of December while loudly wishing my godfather happy birthday, I sit silently in a corner with a cake on my plate sending you a heart felt I'm Sorry and a Birthday Best Wishes. Eric, my cat, my Ah Mau, a nick name your friends gave you after drawing your face with a fake cat whiskers while you were knocked out drunk, I am sorry. Really, really sorry for leaving you hanging just like that. I hope you are happier. Cause I know you deserve better then me.

So yeah. I was a jerk myself. So I guess Stephen Chbosky had a point when he wrote this very clever line in his book The Perks OF Being A Wallflower. "We accept the love we think we deserve." Although other people see with whom we end up with is wrong for us, thus us thinking that we deserve with whom ever we ended up with and everything that came with the package. At a point I believe we deserve better but there is also a statement that says "You deserve the way you behave". So if you act no less then a bitch to people, there's no chance you can get any better then a douche-bag. So I don't know really. I guess at times like this, all I can say is, Que Sera, Que Sera. What will be, will be.

So my advice to you is, tho I have only been living in this world for no more than 19 years, APPRECIATE those who love you even if the feeling isn't mutual. There's a chance that you could make it work. Like I say, you can always learn to love them later. And who knows they might just be your best decision, your knight in shining armor disguised as your best friend or doting crush (Not the creepy once). Think about it...

Love,

Farcella. M

Difference between Acquaintance, Friends & Bestfriends

Have you ever been in that situation where you are just so desperate for help and you did ask but your friend just failed to deliver? You try to not get it over your head and try to convince yourself there MUST be some reason why a proper notification of telling you why can't they help isn't received but you can’t help but get disappointed about it because they let you hanging? If you are, then welcome to the cub... I don’t know why but it’s been bothering me a lot... I really hate to point out that when I ask it means I NEED IT... not just because I ask for fun... I would go to an extent to my friends and most of them don’t even return half of it. Of course I am not expecting for something in return. But I do expect that they would have my back in my time of need. Of course not all of my friends do this. Some do came through. Like really, really came through. For these few people in particular, you know who you are. And I can’t thank you enough. At most, it’s you who had been there when I was at my lowest. That’s why I always include you when I am at my highest. It is these kinds of people who had made and still is making my life a lot more bearable. And on the other side of the fence, they never really know my problems. They only see the tip of the iceberg. These are the kinds of people who I call my who-ha friends. Honestly, I did mentioned to few friends that I categorize the people I know into few levels or groups.

Level 1 being the lowest and level 4 being the highest.

Level 1: Hi-Bye

Description: I vaguely know you, seen your face but most probably already forgotten your name. Has no significance in my life what so ever until we are linked by fate on some kind of situation that could elevate your level to acquaintanceship. In this level, I figuratively have MILLIONS of people on hi-bye basis.

Level 2: Acquaintance

Description: I know you, remember your name, and don’t really have an effect on my life except for some part like a school project, a book you borrowed... oh no, wait scratch that. You have to be my friend to be borrowing my books. Yes where were we? Ah yes, school project, clubs and society’s project, you know those things that require you to interact with people you've never spoken to unless it’s necessary. Yeah that’s what I categorize as acquaintance. Oh yeah, I keep these kind of people just because they MAY be of some use for me in the near future or in the long run. It depends though, which of course means, these people had been price-tagged. Here, I only have like few hundreds or so people I know.

Level 3: Friends

Description: When things kicked off really, really well during acquaintanceship, they automatically become my friends. At this level, this is where I keep all my who-ha friends in. At this level is where I will go to only a short extent of doing them favors  They affect my life directly but not direct enough to feel the pain if they leave. It’s like where the transition point where if you want out, it’s still possible. Here, I have like less than a hundred.

Level 4: Best Friend

Descriptions: When I put my friends into this level, means I’ve done more than 5 favors for them and they have done at least half of it for me in return. Of course, I don’t really count. They basically mean a lot to me. And when I say I put a price-tag on them in acquaintance, when they enter this level, they are PRICELESS. Losing them means series of crying session and I don't often do that. Oh wait. I never do that. Not until recently anyway. Come on I already call you my best friend! Even when the feeling isn’t mutual, you are being dubbed as someone who I want to share more than just my happy times. My parents basically know all about them. I talk about them to my parents’ these are the kind of people whom I’d plan to keep in contact for the next 30-60 years ahead. I’d go to the distant just to get them what they NEED. This is where things usually get complicated. Because I don't believe in telling my friends lies just so they could feel better. Honesty is the best policy. Honestly, I can’t really define what makes a person worthy of being my best friend. But to put it simple for you out there, it’s the person who has always been there for you through thick and thin. Telling you that, that boy is bad news but you still go for him and when you get your heart broken they are gonna say “I told you so” in the most “subtle” way and still sit next to you, wipe your tears away and know just the thing that could cheer you up. Here, I have only 12 of them all together, collected over the years. 2 from primary school, 5 from high school, and 5 from collage to Uni. And I love these people to bits.

Level 5(Honorary Level): Boyfriend [only applies to BOYS]

Description: this of course only applies to BOYS. *uh-duh! Thank you Captain Obvious... LOL... these level can only be achieved by those who are GUTSY enough to come up and speak up to me. If I don't feel the same way then... we can always be back to being friends. Of course it wouldn’t be the same anymore but I do still want to talk to them. But for now, after falling out of love from someone this year’s February for good, I don't have any eyes on any one. So it could be anyone’s game really. But I am on a break right now. After being constantly disappointed for the past 5 years, I want to give my heart a break. My best friends are all I need now.

Well... this was meant to be a short entry but I see myself had put an entry of 1k++ words. Oh well. Have a great day people. I hope this makes it clear on how I value the people I know.

Well, Love ya'll

Farcella. M

Much "Dreaded" Reality In December

Well, it almost that time of the year again... it is 21 days to December, 22-23 days to my exam result to come out, 27 days till Big Bad Wolf Book Sale, 31 days till I go back to KK, 33 days till my sister's engagement day and 49 days to Christmas. So what awaits ME? And what's with that title?

Dreaded!
Well let's just start with, I haven't been so much as a GOOD GIRL this year. Not that Santa gonna care bout me... If I get coal, I'll end up selling it anyways, or better yet, use it for the new year's eve BBQ session my family have every year. More importantly, I haven't been in the good books of my aunt's. Ugh! Who the f*ck am I kidding? I'm in NO one's good book! 21 days to December means I'm gonna have to go back to my aunt's house. Considering that I have defy them in polluting my hair with ammonia by colouring it RED, I will be expecting wrath of the titans to be unleashed!

Black to Red.. Mum and 2 aunt's gonna chop my head off.. Dies!

Dreaded!
22-23 days till I get my finals result, knowing that I already F*CK Contemporary World 2's internal result, the hopes of getting a 70 for ALL of my units is already a lost cause! So.. My plan is to do a CREDIT TRANSFER to any other university. Options laid out? Taylor's, Segi, and Lancaster. BUT... Lancaster is a NO, NO, for a personal reason. So my options leave me at Taylor's and Segi. And I have only until the 7th of December to sort everything out before i go back to KK.

Segi

~or~

Taylor's

Not so dreaded..
On one of these date, 7th, 8th, or/and 9th of December are dates I'm subjecting myself to travel to MINES CONVENTION CENTER and go get everyone their Christmas Present! Megat owes me 10 books which equally worth RM80. So I guess I'll be going with him on one of those days! Hahaha! And that, is 27 days from today.

BBW Invasion starts on the 7th-23rd of December! I'mma Invade it on the first 3 days only.. (T_T)

Dread-unDread
A month till I am back to KK? Well I am dreading and undreading myself at this! Why? Well lets start with why am I dreading this holiday! Since my result are like gonna be out there on the 2nd or 3rd of December, I would first receive all the sarcastic remarks from my family members for be such a disappointment to the family. Then, another sarcastic/mean remarks that I haven't lose any weight since they last seen me. Ugh! As if they are THAT perfect! Puh-lease! At least I don't go off f*cking random people, doing drugs and getting wasted! Also, neither am I cheating off my spouse or depriving my spouse of his needs which then cause him to go look for other itchy bitch who is more then willing to spread her legs just for the sake of $$$ (if I have any [husband].. which I don't!).. So don't f*cking judge! So yeah! That's the case here! I will need to experience this dreading situations!

The sarcasm in my family runs deep! 

The other half, the not so dreading to endure in December is my sister's engagement day.. (^_^) I am so happy for her! She's finally getting the happiness she deserve! And me being there for her is just another bonus she'd really appreciate.

12/12/12 Will mark the beginning for the rest of my sister's well deserve happiness..

Also, what makes December bearable are all those PLANNING to bring Ronn Sight Seeing around Sabah! I am pretty much exited to have him around for Christmas and New Year's. I just hope my family doesn't eat him alive, or worse! They frighten him away! OMGeeee we cannot have that (>_<).

With very limited sources and time, I will try my best to bring you around Sabah as much as possible!

Also, I have set myself a personal mission to accomplish before Ronn comes down to KK on the 26th of December night... Which is to collect all videos from my mum's siblings and as much videos from her aunts', uncles' and cousins' about how they appreciate my mum! hah! so forceful huh? such bitch! hahaha... but i'm gonna accomplish it! it WILL happen!

Mum turned 50 last September but we'll celebrate it this December.. Love you mum!

So Yeah! that's about what awaits me on this 2012 December.. My only wish is that EVERYTHING goes as planned!

What Excites me the most is always and forever will be CHRISTMAS TIME..
This year? It'll be in KUNDASANG! Yay!

Regards,

Farcella M.

A Little Bit Stronger

There were times when I was in a dark place where talking about how down I was to my friends, namely Nikita, Sarah and Megat no longer help since they were tired of it, neither did writing about it helped. For a moment, talking and writing about it did helped. But over time, when you are just so drained, doing these no longer helps. So I reverted back to Music. Richard Clayderman, Kenny Rogers, and Sara Evans helped me a lot. Slowly but surely, I regained my footing. And the song that helped me a lot during those dark days was A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. Her songs are just epic! So yeah, to my reader, if I have any, if you are in a dark place and nothing else help, this song, actually do help a lot.. Here's the MV and the lyrics.. 

A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.

But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.

I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.

So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,

I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.

I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

And ohhh

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,

And you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.

I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

And ohhh

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,

I'm better off without you baby,

How does it feel with out me baby?

I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around.

And ohhh

I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.

A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Abang Burn Burger Bakar In Sunway?

Well finally ABBB has expand their colonization to Bandar Sunway.. Which of course where your's truly is.. So, here's my feedback on this particular well known Malaysian Local Burger Vendor.. hmm where to begin?

Conversation Skills (1/10)
First of all, let's start with Conversation Skills. This is because the first thing we'd do is to ORDER. Which of course meant, workers will have to converse with us the customer in determining stuff. Yes? Moving on, here's a little extra information to ABBB's pioneer, SUNWAY, is an integrated city. One of the prominent area where FOREIGN students out-numbered the LOCAL students. Which meant, they DON'T speak BAHASA! I came to ABBB's Sunway branch on 10/11/12 approximately 7pm with my friend. She's an International Student. Even thought she MAY look INDIAN, the workers seriously CANNOT assume! What your worker did was she insisted on conversing in BAHASA! Even after I insisted on conversing in ENGLISH. Yes! As a Malaysian, I know it is my duty to be proud of my country's national language and should be using it as a medium of conversation to a fellow Malaysian. However, it really wouldn't hurt to INSIST on ABBB's workers to equip themselves with the ability of conversing in ENGLISH. Also, when my friend wanted to ask for a FORK, the workers were either PRETENDING to NOT hear what she ask for OR PRETENDING to NOT understand English or, they truly DO NOT understand ENGLISH. This has caused my friend to complain to me "THEY DO NOT FREAKING UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! HOW THE HECK DO I CONVERSE WITH THEM?!" Well, let's just say, she was not a happy customer. Thus that's the explanation for such low grading for conversation skills

Not a Happy Customer...

Speed (8/10)
Speed got such high score is because I didn't have to wait that long to get my burger in front of my face.

Speed was good but didn't get full score because... BTW 13  was my lucky number...

Environment (4/10)
Okay, this is a bit tricky. First of all, I do understand that ROCK CAFE is an open air place. Which makes smoking with in the premises is LEGAL. But in this particular context, since I was seating near the vendor's serving/meal preparing area, ABBB's workers who were NOT exactly on serving duty was just sitting around and were emitting more smoke than the British's chimney during the Industrial Revolution. NOT A GOOD IMPRESSION to make.

Menu & Pricing (5.5/10)
Well the menu was good and that's where most of the score are derived from and considering that the burger patty was homemade, the price "seems reasonable". Understand that the double quotation symbols NEVER meant anything positive. Please keep on reading to understand WHY I think the menu's proximity of describing the burger was the larger contributor for the scoring rather than the price being "reasonable" enough.

Burger (5.5/10)
I ordered the Cheesy Beef Suprimo. Cost me RM12.50. This particular burger's description was cheese slice and cheese sauce. Also since it's called SUPRIMO, it was meant to have ONION RINGS! Tell me where is the ONION RINGS in this picture?

I DO NOT SEE ANY ONION RINGS.. =.='''

Yeah I thought so too.. There ain't one. Before I go any further, let me tell you a secret... I have been observing this burger stand for quite some time since I discovered that ABBB had opened in Sunway. What I saw was, these beef patty was PRE-COOKED. Which meant it was on the grill in bulks. So when order's up they will only re-heat it on the grill then put it in the microwave oven to have the cheese melted then it's ready for serving. The repercussion for this particular culinary crime? Instead of having the burger being JUICY on the inside, it is as DRY as a saw dust! Thank god for those mayonnaise and chilies sauce, who made the burger less insufferable. Honestly, for such a reputable burger vendor, the experience was rather disappointing.

The Patty in particular, put DRYNESS aside, was okay I guess. It was well seasoned and I do appreciate the amount of black pepper in the patty. Also, nice touch on that deep fried oyster mushroom. For that, the burger gets a-good-enough-score at 5.5

So... overall score for Sunway's ABBB's branch? 2.4 out of 5.

Heed this ABBB's pioneer, I am just one person but my blog are viewed everyday on an average of 100 views. There are room to improve on everything that I have commented on. I hope these improvements are to be made visible within the next few weeks.


Regards,
Farcella. M

Being Stupid vs. Giving Chance

Well title? It's a topic that is close to my heart that’s for sure. If ya’ll read my 3 previous blog posted on March, April, one on early May and another on early August, obviously ya’ll would know what I would be talking about. Before I go any further, here’s a question for ya’ll to think about, “When a friend do you wrong more than once over the same thing, would you give them another chance?” So yeah, think about it.

There has been time when second chance is all you need and sometimes the term “after the second chance if they repeat the same thing, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice” applies. As ya’ll would have read on Karma, these two friends I held so dear to my heart came back. In June, right after getting an apology text from Ronn I kind of broke down. Like literally. I cried again after a month of trying to build up the protective wall I had put down when I was friends with them then. So obviously, the first person I could think of was Sookie. And she, like the friend I know she is, had already anticipated that I would look for her. So upon receiving my text, she simply says, “Yes dear, I know. He’s been doing this to almost everyone. He’s trying to make amends to everyone. He even sent one to “her” for goodness sake. Major ugh! Anyways, why don’t you give each other a chance?”

It took me a while to actually really honestly to give him a chance actually BOTH of them a chance. I had to ask just about everyone who actually knew what had happened then to give me perspective on what should I be doing now. I spoke to my big brothers, Nikita, Megat, and even my Mum. Obviously all answers differ. But, my favourite answer was from big brother Hustle. These were his exact words, “It is up to you to either give them a chance or you can always tell them to f*ck off. Either way, just make sure that what you decide to do, you will not have any regrets in doing them.” At this remarks, got me thinking real hard. I did wish that one of the wasted days that they would want me be their friends again. I know I sound really desperate and fact that neither of them are not even my boyfriend is just plain sad, but I do have to agree on Brendon on this. I just love my friends too much. They meant too much. They matter too much. Either back then or even now, I may not mean more than a speck of dust to either of them, but they do mean a lot to me. It’s weird really. I mean, I’ve been friends with other people a lot longer then I know these two. But compare to most of my old friends, somehow, I care about them a lot more. That’s why I did wish them back. Thus, I did decide to give both of them a chance.

Over time, I honestly have to say I was a little bit bias towards Wilson. Okay! Scratch that. I was a more than just a little bit bias. I don’t know why but there are times when I did actually agree on Wilson's logic when he explained why he had to take the measure of leaving. Don't get me wrong, I still do agree to it. But after few occurrences that happened these past few months, I only agreed to a few part of the whole thing. And I still stand by my motion that they have to just give it a chance for a ONE LAST TALK. A civilize conversation without anyone screaming on top of their head, giving sarcastic remarks, mean remarks, begging, or even crying. One final conversation, where it consists of two very civilized, matured, hetronormative gentlemen with a composed manner and emotion, sorting everything out for once and for all.

There are times when I do feel like when I give people who wronged me more than once, chances, a do over, I felt like I’m being nothing but plain stupid. I keep convincing myself that ‘this person has changed, this person will no longer disappoint me, and this person will never again break my heart.’ But over and over again, life has proven me WRONG. Out of 10 that I have given a chance for a do over, only 2 that would prevail. Only 2 that will never again repeat the things they did to me.

There are times when I was treated as disposable goods. People, let me get this out straight and loud. I may be detachable, but, doesn’t mean that I am disposable. I tend to NOT want to be attached to anyone because at the end of the day, we’ll go our separate ways anyway. There is no such thing as forever. There is only “... until the day I die.” But somehow, after I have out grown my purpose, I was as worthless as a broken hair pin. Disposable and replaceable for a better once. And when I am once again needed, all these kind of people have to do is just summon me and I’ll be to the rescue. Although they would only think of me no more important than a speck of dust on their shoes, over and over again I will respond to this summons. Just because they are my friends. Doing this, drives Nikita, Sookie, and Megat crazy. They believe that I shouldn’t waste my time, effort, energy, positive energy and emotions over things and people that would only make me return to the dark corner again. I do agree. BUT, I couldn’t help it. When I make someone as my friends, I plan to keep them that way. I don't plan to transform them into my enemies or worse strangers with memories in my life.

Life’s too short to be transforming friends into anything negative. Birth is our beginning, death is our destination. The journey to the destination is what we call life. It’s the journey that makes our destination less frightening. Because when we finally reached our destination, we are already wholesome and content that we spent our journey without any regrets. That’s how I want to live my life.

Call me stupid, call me ignorant but, I think I’ll never stop being me. I’ll never stop loving and giving a chance to my friends who did me wrong. I’ll always be there when they need me. Even if it means them disposing me later, I would be content that I had some part in their life, even if it was just a brief moment. It doesn’t even matter if they wouldn’t remember that I did have a part, all that matter is I knew that I did have some part. And one way or the other, I wouldn’t even claim credit on it. But if it’s bad, I would probably blame me for contributing in turning them bad. I don't know when will I be disposed next, but I guess, it’ll hurt less this time. I’ll try hard NOT to ruin it and at the same time, I’ll try hard NOT to be too attached. So when or if I am to be cast out again, I won’t go all emo and go complain to most probably Nikita and Megat.