When I was just a kid I remembered having a HUGE crush on Prince William.. Well who am I kidding? I don't REMEMBER having a crush on Prince William.. But according to my mum who constantly reminding me that particular fact, I did and apparently the infatuation didn't stop until I was about 7. Which was the age I decide that I will never get married, wrote it in my aunt's government endorsed diary and signing it with my names in capital letters.. hahaha..
Then growing up, I didn't exactly forgot about that but didn't seem to recall about it either. And as far as I recalled, I had no boy trouble during that course of time as well. Not until I was 12. You see I was an early bloomer.. (Early Bloomer means they get their period around the age of 9-12 y.o.) Regardless of which, my interest on boys around the age of 10-11 years old was as good as homo's interest on the opposite sex. I was more interested in how I could improve my grades.. I remembered helping my guy best friend, his name is Mike, when I was 11 in replying a love letter to a girl that had a huge crush on him. I laugh so hard when replying those letters. All of it seems soo ridiculous. I meant come on you're 11.. Shouldn't you be worrying how bad you grades are doing? Especially when you were placed in the lower 3 class? (My school had an Intelligence Hierarchy System).
Then comes to 6th grade, I was 12 then. Honestly there was a vague memories with in the first few months of that term. I can't recall anything much back when I was 12 really. All I remembered was around March 2005, I had a crush on one of my uncle's associates' son, Jer. I wanted to ask him out/make us official couples on my B'day but I was too much of a chicken that I asked my 2 best friends to do it for me. The respond must have been SOO disappointing that I couldn't remember what his feed back was when my friends were telling me about it and I guess things just gotten dried up since then. That is also how I developed my fear of rejection. That's why since then, I have never asked any guy that interest me out ever again. So I am counting on them to read the subtle signs and signals I've been giving out that suggest that I AM INTERESTED! Then few months later guess what? I fell for my guy best friend. The one I told you about? Mike? Yeah. Being the chicken I know I am, I kept it to myself and let the feeling pass. I actually did cry when I found out that he went official with the girl we tease back in 5th grade. It was hard but I wanted to move on.
[Note: But this doesn't really cover what I actually want to write about. In this entry, I am gonna attribute this entry to my "The One That Got Away" guys. While chasing for jerks, dick head, and pure assholes, I ended up breaking some of very good guys' heart.]
Tho, I didn't moved on fast enough to agree to go out with I think the one and only guy who actually do care about me. And I broke his heart on Valentine's day too.. :( After 6th grade ended, the only people I expected to ever stayed in contact was with my two best friend, Crystalyn and Helsie. But it turned out that there was one more person I didn't count in. Kel. As I recall, he first called me sometime around end of September to early October. At first it started as a casual call, we didn't text back then. It was more convenient to talk over the phone directly then to have to wait for a text reply. Then from a casual call of 5-10 minutes talk, the call duration extended for a good 20-45 minutes conversation. And I was more then happy to have had someone to talk to until one day he didn't call me. Not that I waited because that time my family members were all gathered not only for Christmas, but also for my aunt's wedding preparations. Few days later, he called and he explained why didn't he called me for the past few days. It seems that his phone bill sky rocketed, pisses his dad off and as a punishment his phone privilege was revoked until his dad realize it was a pain in the ass to not have him have his phone so then he gave it back but few very stern conditions. One of them being, he cannot call me more then 15 minutes daily but unlimited texting quota. I was ok with it. I told him I understand perfectly and told him to not worry about it. So slowly from calling, we shifted to texting. And boy how we texted. ENDLESS. So we talk and we talk, until he asked me to be his Valentine on Valentine's day. As I mentioned, I moved on a little to slow from Mike to actually be ready for Kel. Which in such a messed up situation, Mike and Kel were best buddy. I didn't want to be unfair to Kel. Thus I told him the truth about how I felt about Mike. Then we just drifted apart. It lasted for a good 6 months. Honestly, I still feel bad tho.. I meant come to think of it, if I did gave him a chance, I do believe that we would have lasted up to this day. Because it's like what everybody would say. It's better to accept the love of a person who love you tho the feeling isn't mutual then to give your love to some one who clearly too blind to see your affection towards them. You can always learn to love them. But I guess I did justify what I did as I am only being fair to him and to me. I was still head over heel on Mike then tho he was taken. And it's only fair that I didn't gave Kel false hope there and then. So Kel, if you are reading this, I am sorry I didn't give us a chance. I know that now. I just hope we could be friends again and I wish you all the happiness that you deserve with whom ever you are with now.
Then comes Eric. My-Wilted-Before-It-Bloomed-Lover. He stole my phone number from my biodata book, a biodata book is a book that keeps everyone's dorky detail about themselves like their name, nick-name, favourite colour, etc., which was at that time was in the possession of a classmate. I was 13 and he was 18. We began texting and the next thing I knew was we started calling each other the mushy-mushy couple's nick name. I called him dear, he called me honey. I called him that because it seem fitted.. It lasted a good 3 months. Ya'll know why it ended? It is so messed up I'm pretty sure you'd throw a dart at my printed picture. HAHAHA... I ended it. Because I fell for him. One fine day in Geography Class, I was casually taking down notes from the board when I started seeing his names written across the board. I blinked and it was the notes again. But minutes later I was writing his name on my note book while looking at the board assumingly copying down notes. I knew there and then that it had to end. So I end it. And I tell you the truth when I say it was not a clean break-up. We didn't fight, we didn't had a major display to our friends. We just didn't have an explanation, and a closure. Well at least I didn't offer any explanation. But then again he didn't asked for any either. So I didn't bother. Plus, come on... I was 13! What do you expect? Of course I freaked out! I didn't know what I was experiencing was actually the act of falling in love. All I know was my focus in my studies was straying and I almost failed my history exams. Falling for people is BAD for me. They cloud my judgement. What may be the reason I fell for him? Well once upon a time, I am a major prepaid hoarder. I used to save up to 170 bucks. So basically I was prepaid wise loaded. That fateful day, I was dead bored. So I texted him. But he said he can't text much cause he is running low on prepaid. So without consulting him, I transferred like 10 bucks to him. At an instant, he called me and ask me to explain myself. So I was like, "Geez dude, I only wanted to talk... Since you are low on prepaid I transferred you some so we can talk. What's your problem man? A profuse thank you would do.. Why so worked up about it?" Then he was like, "Look. I took your phone number because I wanted to know you as you. I wanted to be your friend because of you. Not because of your money." So besides Kel, Eric is one of those people whom got away. So, to my dear, dear Eric, you have been a good friend. I loved you. Every 21st of December while loudly wishing my godfather happy birthday, I sit silently in a corner with a cake on my plate sending you a heart felt I'm Sorry and a Birthday Best Wishes. Eric, my cat, my Ah Mau, a nick name your friends gave you after drawing your face with a fake cat whiskers while you were knocked out drunk, I am sorry. Really, really sorry for leaving you hanging just like that. I hope you are happier. Cause I know you deserve better then me.
So yeah. I was a jerk myself. So I guess Stephen Chbosky had a point when he wrote this very clever line in his book The Perks OF Being A Wallflower. "We accept the love we think we deserve." Although other people see with whom we end up with is wrong for us, thus us thinking that we deserve with whom ever we ended up with and everything that came with the package. At a point I believe we deserve better but there is also a statement that says "You deserve the way you behave". So if you act no less then a bitch to people, there's no chance you can get any better then a douche-bag. So I don't know really. I guess at times like this, all I can say is, Que Sera, Que Sera. What will be, will be.
So my advice to you is, tho I have only been living in this world for no more than 19 years, APPRECIATE those who love you even if the feeling isn't mutual. There's a chance that you could make it work. Like I say, you can always learn to love them later. And who knows they might just be your best decision, your knight in shining armor disguised as your best friend or doting crush (Not the creepy once). Think about it...
Love,
Farcella. M
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